In my nearly five decades of ministry experience, I've learned that one of the greatest challenges pastors face isn't hermeneutics or homiletics—it's maintaining a healthy family while shepherding a congregation. As Paul makes clear in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1, a minister's first qualification is how he manages his home.
The Priority Problem
Every family knows the stresses of life, but those of us in ministry have those challenges intensified. We're trying to shepherd our families while also shepherding a flock. Paul testified in 2 Corinthians 11:28, "Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches."
Let me be clear: if I lose my marriage, I lose my ministry. The husband of one wife—that's the biblical qualification. An older preacher once told me about another minister, "He was an eagle in the pulpit, but a buzzard at home." His message was spectacular, but his marriage was almost nonexistent.
If I have to choose, I choose my marriage. That's the second greatest decision I've ever made, right after trusting Jesus. We cannot see ministry here and marriage down there. It's marriage here and ministry here. Family here, flock here.
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10 Biblical Principles for Raising Godly Teenagers →
The Priority Order
Life should be prioritized by relationships. Life is relationships. Here are my five basic relationship priorities:
- My personal relationship with God
- My partner relationship with my wife
- My parental relationship with my children
- My "Papa" relationship with my grandchildren
- My pastoral relationship with my church
That pastoral relationship constantly tries to push its way to number one. But I must live my life according to these priorities day after day after day.
The Family Process
How do you manage this balancing act? Here are five practical principles:
1. Maintain Open and Honest Communication
Most families have the greatest enemy to communication right in their hands—their phones. If you're going to lead your family toward goodness and godliness, you must communicate daily. Your communication can build bridges; your lack of communication will burn bridges.
When your children ask questions, give them answers. If you don't know, say "I don't know, but I'll find out." Practice open, honest communication.
2. Create Quality Time Together
When our children were young, we didn't have money for expensive entertainment, but we could go to a park and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We always had something planned, so if someone invited them somewhere inappropriate, they could truthfully say, "I think my parents have something planned."
We enjoyed mealtime together. In America today, family mealtime is disappearing, but when I was growing up, we ate breakfast and dinner together every day.
3. Incorporate Bible Teaching into Family Routine
Your children should receive Bible teaching before your congregation does. From the time our children were infants—even before they were born—we talked to them about Jesus. We had daily family devotions, teaching them to sit properly, listen appropriately, and engage with God's Word at their level.
4. Show Affection and Respect
Husbands and wives should show appropriate affection in front of their children. My granddaughter used to say, "Gross, Papa!" when I kissed my wife. I'd tell her, "I kiss Nana because I love her and I don't want her to forget it."
I've rarely left my children without telling them I love them. If something were to happen to me, I want them to remember that Dad's last words were "I love you."
Also teach respect. Our children had to respect each other's belongings, asking permission before using something that belonged to a sibling. This lays groundwork for respecting others throughout life.
5. Make Good Memories Together
We have annual traditions—like attending the state fair—and we've made certain birthdays special milestones. For their thirteenth birthdays, our children received a soul-winning New Testament. For their sixteenth, we hosted overnight parties with friends. For their eighteenth, we took special trips.
I want to create enough good memories to outweigh the bad ones we naturally remember more easily.
The Product
What's the goal of all this effort? The product of loving your family while leading your ministry is:
- A close-knit family both while children are at home and after they leave
- Family members who grow in their love for Christ and one another
- Children who reproduce your home in the homes God gives them
I'm just a link in the chain that extends from my great-grandparents through my grandparents and parents to me, and now to my children and grandchildren. Proverbs 17:6 tells us, "Children's children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers."
I'm thankful for everything God has done at our church, but I'm even more grateful that I made the decision to love my family while I led my ministry. I don't regret one minute, one hour, or one day I've invested in my wife and children.
You can do both. It's not either/or—it's both/and. Loving your family and leading your ministry.
