Illustrations

1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.

4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.

5. Of the remaining 33% of deaths, 32% occur in hospitals. Above all, avoid hospitals.

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class. “NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?” Again the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I asked them again. Once more they all answered,“NO!”

One man challenged another to an all-day wood chopping contest. The challenger worked very hard, stopping only for a brief lunch break. The other man had a leisurely lunch and took several breaks during the day. At the end of the day, the challenger was surprised and annoyed to find that the other fellow had chopped substantially more wood than he had. “I don't get it,” he said. “Every time I checked, you were taking a rest, yet you chopped more wood than I did.”

We are to work while we wait for the rapture. A gardener for a large estate in northern Italy was conducting a visitor through the castle and the beautiful, well-groomed grounds. As the visitor had lunch with the gardener and his wife, he commended them for the beautiful way they were keeping the gardens. He asked, “By the way, when was the last time the owner was here?

“About ten years ago.” The gardener replied.

The visitor asked, “Then why do you keep the gardens in such an immaculate, lovely manner?”

Farmer Jack watched two men park their county truck on the side of the road. One man got out and dug a hole, then moved a few feet and dug another. The other man followed, filling in each hole.

The farmer called, “What’s going on with all the digging?”

“We work for the county,” one of the men said.

“I see that, but one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it. You’re just wasting my tax money.”

When the Klingler’s were going on an extended vacation, they asked their nine-year-old neighbor, Mike, about taking care of the family dog. They explained that the job would require feeding, watering, grooming, walking, and spending plenty of time playing with the dog while giving her lots of love. After covering the job description, they asked what the job would be worth to him. The little boy replied, “I’ll give you ten bucks.”

Source: Unknown

A young man decided to take private boxing lessons. He found a boxing coach at a nearby gym who agreed to give him twenty-six weekly sessions. As part of his instruction, the young man was required to spar with other aspiring boxers at the gym.

After the first session, he was sore and swollen. He didn't realize that it would be this difficult. The battered youth had some questions for his coach.

“You say there are twenty-six lessons in this course?”

“That's right,” answered the teacher.

“And the rest of them are going to be like today?”

Express Personal Services, an employment company based in Oklahoma City, has provided temporary help for some rather unique jobs. They've placed workers to chase deer off an airport runway for $8 an hour, or pour thousands of cans of rancid beverage down a drain for $6 an hour.

Winston Churchill exemplified integrity and respect in the face of opposition. During his last year in office, he attended an official ceremony. Two gentlemen that were seated several rows behind him began whispering, “That's Winston Churchill. They say he is getting senile. They say he should step aside and leave the running of the nation to more dynamic and capable men.” When the ceremony was over, Churchill turned to the men and said, “Gentlemen, they also say he is deaf!”—Vital Speeches, Barbara Hatcher

Clark Clifford shares this reminiscence of his former boss, President Harry Truman: Every morning at 8:30 the president would have a staff meeting. One day the mail clerk brought in a lavender envelope with a regal wax seal and flowing purple ribbons. Upon opening it, the President found a letter from King Saud of Saudi Arabia, whose salutation began, “Your Magnificence, Your Magnificence,” Truman subsequently sent a message to the United Nations supporting the admission of 100,000 Jews into Palestine. Soon afterward he received a second letter from King Saud. This