Humor

“I can beat it!”

“I wonder if it’s loaded. I’ll look down the barrel and see.”

“Look at this wire hanging down into the street! I’ll throw it to one side.”

“I wonder how much electricity these wires carry. I’ll touch this one and see.”

“I wonder whether this rope will hold my weight!”

“Listen! That’s the train whistle. Step on the gas, and we’ll beat it across.”

“That firecracker must have gone out. I’ll light it again.”

“Watch me skate past the ‘danger’ sign. I’ll bet I can touch it.”

A young man called his mother and excitedly announced that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

His mother said, “Why don’t you send her flowers and invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

The day after the big date, his mother called to see how things had gone.

“Mom, the evening was a complete disaster,” he replied. “It was horrible!”

“Why, didn’t she come over?” his mother asked.

“Yes, she came over. But she refused to cook!”

A cartoon pictured a little boy kneeling in prayer.  Obviously disgruntled with the results of his prayers, he was saying,  “Aunt Harriet hasn’t gotten married,  Uncle Hubert hasn’t any work, and Daddy’s hair is still falling out… I’m getting tired of praying for this family without getting any results.”

Source: 1000 Illustrations for Preaching and Teaching, G. Curtis Jones

Six-year-old Keirsten  was talking with her grandmother about their church’s Easter sunrise service when she announced, “Nana, I’m not going to that rise-and-shine thing. I have to get up too early!”

Source: Mature Living, March 2013

Five-year-old Brian had a pivotal verse to recite in an Easter program: “He is not here, he is risen” (Luke 24:6). Unfortunately, he could not remember what to say, and the director had to quietly remind him of his line. He then confidently grabbed the microphone and triumphantly shouted, “He’s not here; He’s in prison!”

Source: Mature Living, April, 2011

The story is told of two men riding a tandem bicycle up a steep hill. After much effort, they  finally made it to the top of the hill. The front rider said, “That was a tough ride.” To which the second rider replied, “Sure was, and if I hadn’t kept the brake on we might have slipped backwards.”

Source: Unknown

In a Peanuts strip Lucy once grumbled to poor Charlie Brown about the awful New Year she was having. She complained that problems abounded, and she felt that difficulties were around every corner. Then she said, “I don’t think this is a New Year at all—I think we’ve been stuck with a USED year!!!”

Jim was leaving church after Christmas services when the pastor greeted him and said, “Jim, it’s time you joined the Army of the Lord. We need to see you every Sunday.”

“I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor,” Jim replied.

“Then why do we only see you on Christmas and Easter?”

Jim looked to the right and to the left, and then leaned over to whisper, “I’m in the Secret Service.”

Source: Unknown

Sign in a department store window: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

Source: Unknown

Your standard man, at this point in the Christmas season, has purchased zero gifts. He has not yet gotten around to purchasing an acceptable gift for his wife for last Christmas. He did give her something last year, but he could tell by her reaction to it that she had not been dreaming of getting an auto emergency kit, even though it was the deluxe model with booster cables and an air compressor. Clearly this gift violated an important rule, but the man had not idea what this rule was, and his wife was too upset to tell him.

Source: Unknown

At a tea for officers and their wives, the commanding general of a base delivered a seemingly endless oration. A young lieutenant grumbled to the woman sitting beside him, “What a pompous and unbearable old windbag that slob is!”

The woman turned to him, her face red with rage. “Excuse me, Lieutenant. Do you have any idea who I am?”

“No ma’am,” the man fumbled.

“I am the wife of the man you just called an unbearable old windbag.”

“Oh,” said the lieutenant. “And do you have any idea who I am?”

“No,” said the general’s wife.

The story is told about a pastor that got up in the pulpit and apologized for the Band-Aid on his face. He said “I was thinking about my sermon while shaving and cut my face.” Afterward the treasurer found a note in the collection plate, “Next time, think about your face and cut the sermon.”

Source: Unknown

Below are letters that children have written to their pastor.

Dear Pastor:

Please say in your sermon Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, age 9

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.—Carla, age 10

I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours Sincerely, Arnold, age 8

I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love Patty, age 10

Each year on the fourth of July the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Company sponsors a hot dog eating contest. In 2013 Joey Chestnut won the competition for the seventh year in a row, setting a new record by eating 69 hot dogs and buns in just ten minutes. The second runner up “only” managed to eat 51. According to news reports, Chestnut received a prize of $10,000 for his eating performance, and consumed over 20,000 calories during his eating spree.

The Sunday school teacher was teaching a class of children about creation. “Now, children,” she said, “Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?”

“God does it,” answered one little girl, “but fertilizer helps.”

Source: Unknown

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what’s the matter?”

Johnny said, “I don’t feel well, I think I’m having a wife.”

Source: Unknown

Uncle Oscar was apprehensive about his first airplane ride. His friends, eager to hear how it went, asked if he enjoyed the flight. “Well,” commented Uncle Oscar, “it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be, but I’ll tell you this. I never did put all my weight down!”

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?” The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Father’s Day is that one time of the year when I get complete obedience from every member of my family. I tell them not to spend a lot of money on me—and they don’t.

Source: Unknown

In the long history of con artists, George C. Parker holds a special place of dishonor. He is remembered as one of the most successful and daring swindlers in American history. He set up an office in New York City and “sold” some of the city’s most famous attractions to tourists. His favorite was the Brooklyn Bridge, but he also sold the Statue of Liberty, Madison Square Garden, and Grant’s Tomb. He produced elaborately forged documents and deeds to convince his targets that he was the rightful owner of the landmarks he was selling.