Illustrations

An usher speaking to another usher said, “We have nothing but good, kind Christians in this church until you try to seat someone else in their pew.”

Source: Unknown

One man said, “Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.”

Source: Unknown

A Barna poll indicated that 76% of Americans believed in Heaven and 71% believed in Hell. Of those who believe in Heaven 50% believe you can get there without accepting Christ as Saviour.

Source: Los Angeles Times, October, 24, 2003

“Researchers have found almost no correlation between income levels and happiness. Between 1957 and 1990 income levels in the U.S. doubled. Yet at the same period, people’s levels of happiness did not increase. In fact, reports of depression actually increased tenfold. Incidence of divorce, suicide, alcoholism and drug abuse also rose dramatically.”

Source: The Power of Full Engagement, Jim Loehr

Appetite says, “Be sensuous, enjoy yourself.”

Education says, “Be resourceful, expand yourself.”

Materialism says, “Be satisfied, please yourself.”

Psychology says, “Be confident, fulfill yourself.”

Pride says, “Be superior, promote yourself.”

Humanism says, “Be capable believe in yourself.”

God says, “Be wise, humble yourself.”

Like a lot of married men, I got the “You just don’t appreciate me” speech. I promised to treat her royally for the remainder of the day. I took her to lunch at Burger King and Dairy Queen for dessert. She’s never mentioned it since.

Source: Unknown

Who can ever forget Winston Churchill’s immortal words: “We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, and we shall fight in the hills.” It sounds exactly like our family vacation.

Source: Unknown

A little boy was standing at the end of an escalator. The sales lady asked, “Son are you lost?”

“No ma’am, I’m waiting for my chewing gum to come back.”

Source: Unknown

Madalyn Murray O’Hair vanished in 1995. When her diaries were found she often cried, “Somebody, somewhere please love me.”

Source: Unknown

A husband was coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered open he said, “You are beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued the vigil. Later he woke up again and said, “You’re cute!”

“What happened to beautiful?” She asked.

“The drugs are wearing off,” the husband replied.

Source: Unknown