Marriage

The story is told of a woman who left her husband. The husband called the police and filed a “missing persons report.” A few weeks later the police found her a few counties over. They asked him if he wanted them to take him to her. By now the husband had realized how poorly he had treated his wife. He decided to write his wife, and he did for months. Finally, Christmas came, and he went to see her (she was in a run down hotel). He asked her to come home and she did. On the way home he said, “I’ve written you for months, why did you come home so easily?”

Mr. Zhang, from Chongqing, China, signed a contract that allows his wife to beat him once a week. The 32-year-old Mr. Zhang is very competitive and “never wants to lose an argument.” He says the only problem is that his wife knows kung fu.

An elderly couple was beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie—his favorite kind—his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

“Why,” he whispered, “why did you do that?”

The brilliant Scottish writer, Thomas Carlyle, lived on a farm in Dumfriesshire, which he called “the loneliest nook in Britain.” Each day he climbed a ladder to his attic, where he worked until dark. His devoted wife Jane was left alone. One evening at dinner, Jane asked why he had never expressed appreciation for the food she lovingly prepared for him. “Woman,” Carlyle barked, “must you be paid for everything you do?” With that, he stamped off to his attic workshop. Years later, when his wife died, Carlyle found her diary.

Mrs. Mohler was being cross-examined about the death of her third husband. The attorney asked, “What happened to your first husband?”

Mrs. Mohler replied, “He died of mushroom poisoning.” The attorney then inquired about her second husband. She said that he too died from mushroom poisoning. The attorney then asked, “And what about your third husband?”

Mrs. Mohler replied, “He died of a brain concussion.”

“And how did that happen?”

Mrs. Mohler confessed, “I hit him with an iron skillet because he wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, “When we were first married, we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”

At which point the wife took up the tale, “And in 60 years of marriage, we have never needed to make a major decision.”

Source: Unknown

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, the couple returned to their honey moon hotel. After retiring the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair?” and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they cuddled and so they did. With a sigh she said, “Won’t you nibble my ear again?”

With that the husband got out of bed and left the room.

“Where are you going?” cried the upset wife.

“To get my teeth!”

Source: Unknown

The story is told about a CEO of a fortune 500 company who pulled into a service station to get gas.  He went inside to pay, and when he came out he noticed his wife was talking with the service station attendant. She had dated the attendant before she met her husband.

The CEO got in the car, and the two drove in silence. He was feeling pretty good about himself when he finally spoke: “I bet I know what you were thinking. I bet you were thinking you’re glad you married me, a Fortune 500 CEO, and not him, a service station attendant.”

There was a man who had worked all his life and saved much money, but he was a real miser. Just before he died he asked his wife to put all his money in the casket with him when he was buried. Being the good wife that she was, she promised to do so.

After his funeral was over, just before the casket was sealed his wife put a white envelope into the casket and turned away.

A young man, who was to return home and be married, came sooner than was expected. He did not notify his bride-to-be of the exact time. He desired to please her with a surprise. He loved her devotedly and had worked hard and saved his earnings in order to purchase a home for her. It was about midnight when he arrived, but, with a happy heart, he felt he must go by her home. However, when he came near he saw the house was all lighted up. As he came nearer he heard music. Still nearer he saw dancing.

Mike listened to a lecture on the importance of showing appreciation to the important people in his life. Mike decided to start with his wife, so after work that night, he went to the shopping mall where he bought a dozen long-stemmed roses, a box of chocolates, and a pair of earrings. He smiled with self-satisfaction as he contemplated surprising his wife and showing her how much he appreciated her.

A lady was standing in front of a casino when she was approached by a desperate looking man, “Please!” the man begged frantically, “Could you possibly spare $500. My wife is very sick, and I really need the money to take her to the doctor and to buy her the medicine she needs.”

The lady looked at him suspiciously and said, “If I give you $500, how do I know you won’t just go into a casino and gamble it all away?”

The man quickly responded, “Oh no, I wouldn’t do that! I’ve got gambling money!”

The evidence is convincing that the better our relationships are at home, the more effective we are in our careers. If we’re having difficulty with a loved one, that difficulty will be translated into reduced performance on the job. In studying the millionaires in America (U.S. News and World Report), a picture of the “typical” millionaire is an individual who has worked eight to ten hours a day for thirty years and is still married to his or her high school or college sweetheart.

The historian Xenophon states, that when Cyrus had taken captives including a young prince of Armenia with his young and beautiful wife, of whom he was remarkably fond, they were brought before the tribunal of Cyrus to receive their sentence. The warrior inquired of the prince what he would give to be reinstated in his kingdom; and he replied, that he valued his crown and his liberty at a very low rate, but that if the noble conqueror would restore his beloved wife to her former dignity and possessions, he would willingly pay his life for the purchase.

“The term Stockholm Syndrome first occurred in 1973 at an attempted bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. A man tried to rob a bank, and the police caught him inside. He took three female hostages and one male hostage and held them for 131 hours, during which time he terrorized them. He fired his Russian automatic assault weapon at them. He threatened to kill them on numerous occasions. He put nooses around their necks and threatened to hang them. But he didn’t harm any of them.

The English artist George Romney fell in love and married a young lady, but then left her so that he could pursue his career wholeheartedly (although he did support her financially). His paintings brought him much income, but he eventually became too old to work and went back to his wife who took care of him until he passed away. The spirit that his wife showed in caring for him was worth more than all the paintings he ever produced.

We often ignore Christ until we need Him, but He always loves us and stands ready to forgive and restore us.

First year of marriage: “Sugar dumpling, I’m really worried about my baby girl. You’ve got a bad sniffle and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep going around. I’m putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general checkup and a good rest. I know the food’s lousy but I’ll be bringing your meals in from Rozzini’s. I already have it all arranged with the floor superintendent.”

Second year: “Listen darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve called Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl, just for Poppa.”

First man: “I proposed to a girl and would have married her if it hadn’t been for something she said.”

Second man: “What was that?”

First man: “No.”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

A rich man was in the habit of giving his wife an expensive piece of jewelry every year on her birthday. One year he might phone the jeweler and say, “Send me your finest pearl necklace, along with your bill.” Or, “Send me your finest diamond pendant, along with your bill.” Or the finest emerald bracelet or ruby ring. Each time, the jeweler did as the rich man asked, dispatching a messenger to the rich man’s mansion to deliver the jewelry piece in a box along with his bill.