In a story about some of the worst Mother’s Day gifts ever given, the Houston Chronicle repoted a story about Jerry Maltz giving his wife an iron. He got the message when she gave him an ironing board for Father’s Day.
“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery.”
“Let me smell that shirt—Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve.”
One of the most notoriously bad characters that ever lived in New York was Orville Gardner. He was the trainer of prize-fighters and companion of all sorts of hard characters. His reputation was so thoroughly bad that he was called “Awful Gardner.”
D. L Moody used to tell the story of a man who came to him and said, “When the Mexican war began I wanted to enlist. My mother, seeing I was resolved, said if I became a Christian I might go. She pleaded and prayed that I might become a Christian, but I wouldn’t. I said when the war was over I would become a Christian, but not till then.
When the California gold fever broke out, a man went there, leaving his wife in New England with his boy. As soon as he got on and was successful he was to send for them. It was a long time before he succeeded, but at last he got money enough to send for them. The wife’s heart leaped for joy. She took her boy to New York, got on board a Pacific steamer, and sailed away to San Francisco.
A beautiful young mother in New York City reterned to the building in which her little infant lay asleep and was appalled to see the building in flames. The firemen could not restrain her and she dashed through the flames and rescued her child, but in doing so, she was so severely burned that her face was horribly disfigured for life. When she looked at her face in the glass after it was healed, she was shocked at her disfigurement, but was comforted by the thought that when her little girl grew up she would appreciate the sacrifice that her mother had made to rescue her.
When a mother has a sick child, it is marvelous how quick her ears become while attending it. Good woman, we wonder she does not fall asleep. If you hired a nurse, it is ten to one she would. But the dear child in the middle of the night does not need to cry for water, or even speak; there is a little quick breathing—who will hear it? No one would except the mother; but her ears are quick, for they are in her child’s heart. Even so, if there is a heart in the world that longs for the things of God, God’s ear is already in that poor sinner’s heart.
Ira Sankey, who for years led the music for D.L. Moody’s evangelistic meetings, was traveling by steamboat on Christmas Eve in 1875. He was recognized by some of the passengers, and they asked him to sing. Sankey agreed, and began singing “Saviour Like a Shepherd Lead Us.” When the song was done, one of the listeners stepped forward and asked, “Did you serve in the Union Army?”
“Yes,” Mr. Sankey answered.
“Can you remember if you were doing picket duty on a bright, moonlit night in 1862?”
“Yes,” Mr. Sankey said again.
Abraham Lincoln was well known for total abstinence from alcohol. According to one well known story, he was once offered a drink by a colonel in the military. Lincoln responded by telling the man that when his mother was on her deathbed, she had summoned him as a nine year old boy and asked for his promise that he would never take a drink. He then said, “I promised my mother that I never would, and up to this hour, I’ve kept this promise! Would you advise me to break that promise?”
4 years of age: My mommy can do anything!
8 years of age: My mom knows a whole lot!
12 years of age: My mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 years of age: Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that either.
16 years of age: Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years of age: That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 years of age: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 years of age: Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 years of age: I wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
President Abraham Lincoln once summoned an Army surgeon to the White House. The major assumed that he was to be commended for some exceptional work. During the conversation Mr. Lincoln asked the major about his widowed mother. “She is doing fine,” he responded.
“How do you know?” asked Lincoln. “You haven’t written her, but she has written me.” Lincoln continued, “She thinks that you are dead, and she is asking that a special effort be made to return your body.”
Mrs. Jones relaxed by reading her Bible each day. After observing this habit for several years, her 4-year-old daughter asked, “Aren’t you ever going to get finished reading that book?”
Source: 1001 Quotes, Illustrations, and Humorous Stories for Preachers, Teachers, and Writers, Edward K. Rowell
Somebody said that a
child is carried in its mother’s womb for nine months.
Somebody does not know that a child is carried in its mother’s heart forever.
Somebody said it takes
about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby.
Somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said you
learn how to be a mother by instinct.
Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a
mother is boring.
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver’s permit.
“Praying mothers are America’s greatest assets.”—Theodore Roosevelt
“A mother’s lap is the best place from which to launch a life.”—Sarah Hupp
“She’s someone who will listen to your problems until you are bored with them.”—Ellen Goodman
“No one is poor who had a godly mother.”—Abraham Lincoln
“Together is the most beautiful word in the dictionary outside of the word mother.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson (when speaking about the benefits of unity)
She said her
hands were ugly, and she tried to hide them, too.
But in God’s sight ‘twas different, for He knew what they could do.
They were busy
hands for Jesus—doing tasks for Him each day.
They washed and ironed and sewed and scrubbed in the most willing, cheerful way.
They kept a clean
and shining home. They cared for a family,
And did the humble, homely jobs in a manner sweet to see.
They were ready
to help others whenever there was a need.
And those ready, willing hands of hers were a source of help indeed.
A teacher asked a boy this question: “Suppose your mother baked a pie and there were seven of you—your parents and five children. What part of the pie would you get?”
“A sixth,” replied the boy.
“I’m afraid you don’t know your fractions,” said the teacher. “Remember, there are seven of you.”
“Yes, teacher,” said the boy, “but you don’t know my mother. Mother would say she didn’t want any pie.”
On August 16, 1987, Northwest Airlines flight 225 crashed just after taking off from the Detroit airport, killing 155 people. One survived: a four-year-old from Tempe, Arizona, named Cecelia. When rescuers found Cecelia they did not believe she had been on the plane. Investigators first assumed Cecelia had been a passenger in one of the cars on the highway onto which the airliner crashed. But when the passenger register for the flight was checked, there was Cecelia's name.