Women

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs. He was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat, strong arms, and strong legs. He was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Gertrude and Mildred were driving to their Sunday school party. The two elderly sisters were thankful they could still drive and took turns driving the Buick they shared. Gertrude became very nervous after Mildred ran through two red lights. As they approached the next light, Mildred was talking nonstop and gave no indication that she would stop. Gertrude shouted, “Mildred, the light is red!” Mildred immediately slammed on the brakes. As she stared at the red light she said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were driving.”

Source: In Other Words

Christine Chapman was supposed to bring her mother-in-law to the doctor, but she could not get her to stop talking to the neighbor. Finally, Christine escorted her away from the conversation so they wouldn’t be late. Once inside the car, her mother-in-law said, “Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do. The woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”

Source: Reader’s Digest, January 2008

One man said, “My wife will buy anything marked down. Yesterday, she tried to buy an escalator.”

Source: Unknown

The story is told of an elderly lady who never married. She requested  that at her funeral there be no male pallbearers. In her handwritten request she said, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was living, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

Source: Humor for Preaching and Teaching, Edward Rowell

Friend to Wife: “Do you think your husband is hard to please?”

Wife: “I really don’t know—I’ve never tried.”

Source: Unknown

While standing at attention during a parade, a private began to wave in the audience. The drill sergeant sternly warned the private, “Jones don’t ever do that again.” A few minutes later though, the private waved again. When the parade was over, the livid sergeant began to yell and scream at the soldier. He pointed out the dangers of disobeying a superior. Jones was still unremorseful. The instructor then yelled, “Boy, aren’t you afraid of me? Don’t you know what I could do to you?”

Jones replied, “Oh yes sir, but you don’t know my mother.”

Source: Unknown

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.

“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said.

“Are you lightheaded?” my colleague asked.

“No, I’m a brunette.”

Source: Pam Forst in Reader’s Digest

One woman who was struggling with the reality of her age, asked a friend, “I don’t think I look 40-years-old, do you?” Her friend answered, “No, but you used to!”

Source: The 911 Handbook, Kent Crockett

A man once said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A wife was reading the mail to husband. She said, “This little note came with your credit card bill. It says leave home without it.”

Source: Unknown

An anesthesiologist often plays an important role when a woman is going through labor. One woman was so grateful for her anesthesiologist’s help that she told him, “I’m so happy about how well everything went that I’m going to name my son after you. By the way, what is your first name?”

“Thorndike,” he said.

She paused for a minute, then said, “Do you have a middle name?”

Source: Unknown

On a windswept hill in an English country churchyard stands a drab, gray slate tombstone. The quaint stone bears an epitaph not easily seen unless you stoop over and look closely. The faint etchings read:

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Arabella Young,
Who on the twenty-fourth of May,
Began to hold her tongue.

Source: Unknown

Bette Nesmith was a secretary at a bank in Dallas when she decided there must be a way to correct typewriter mistakes without erasing the ink. She cane up with a formula for a fluid that she could use to paint over mistakes. In a short time all of the secretaries in her office were using her correction fluid.

Betty called her product, “Mistake Out,” and began a business selling it full time.When she sold her business to Gillette Company for $47.5 million, it was making $3.5 million every year on sales that grossed $38 million.

Adam’s wife was quite a talker and seldom stayed on the phone for less than an hour. One day he was surprised when he heard her hang up after just twenty-five minutes so he went into see if there was problem. When he expressed concern, Irene cheerfully explained, “Oh, no, everything is fine. I just dialed the wrong number.”

Source: Houston Chronicle

A classified in a newspaper read: “Encyclopedia for Sale—No longer needed—Wife already knows everything.”

Source: Unknown

A sign in a bank lobby reads: “Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, male and female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

In 2004, Dove commissioned a study that interviewed women around the globe asking them what they thought about beauty. Only 2% of the women described themselves as beautiful. A companion article quoted Angelina Jolie as saying, “I struggle with low-self esteem all the time. I think everyone does. I have so much wrong with me, it's unbelievable.”

Source: In Other Words