Humor

A man got up to leave early from a church service and the pastor asked him where he was going.

Joe: To get a haircut.

Pastor: Why didn’t you get one before services?

Joe: I didn’t need one then!

Joe was later heard to remark that his pastor was just like Pharaoh—he would not let the people go.

Source: Unknown

1. The gleam from their foreheads makes them look angelic while preaching.

2. The last hairpiece the preacher had flew off while he was making a particularly forceful plea from the pulpit.

3. Youth Group—enough said!

4. Deacons—enough said!

5. The hoary head is a crown of glory, so they figured gray and bald was even better!

6. When they repent, they REPENT! (Isaiah 22:12)

7. The doctor said it was the worst case of head lice he had ever seen!

A preacher gave an unusual sermon one day, and used a peanut to illustrate several things from the Bible. One of the members greeted him at the close of the service and said, “That was very interesting, Pastor. I never expected to learn so much from a nut.”

Source: Unknown

The story is told that a man died and went to Heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by the apostle Peter who led him down the golden streets. They went past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack.

The man asked Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.

Peter replied, “I did the best I could with the money you sent us.”

Source: Unknown

If you are looking for an excuse, the devil has plenty of reasons for you to keep the tithe:

A little girl received a watch and perfume for her birthday. She was so excited she pestered everyone all day to look at her watch and smell her perfume. At dinner her mother said, “Honey, I know you’re proud of your gifts, but please don’t mention them while we eat.”

All through dinner she sat silently although she sniffed audibly at times and often raised her wrist to listen to her watch. As the meal came to an end, she blurted out, “I’m not supposed to mention it, but if anyone hears anything or smells anything, it’s me.”

Source: Unknown

Did you hear about the man who went golfing? He missed the ball three times then said, “Boy, this is a rough course.”

It is easy to blame adverse circumstances when we miss the mark and sin.

Source: Unknown

The story is told about a clever salesman who closed hundreds of sales with this line: “Let me show you something several of your neighbors said you couldn’t afford.”

Source: Unknown

Two cows were grazing in a pasture when they saw a milk truck pass. On the side of the truck were the words, “Pasteurized, homogenized, standardized, vitamin A added.” One cow sighed and said to the other, “Makes you feel sort of inadequate, doesn’t it?”

People try to improve on milk, but one thing you will never be able to improve on is the Word of God. It does not need any pasteurizing, standardizing, or homogenizing.

Source: Unknown

There was an authority-hungry sergeant in the Air Force. This man made sure everyone understood he was the boss. Ironically, he ran across a subordinate who put the egomaniac in his place. The sergeant screamed the following to an airman third class: “You have one stripe on your arm, and I have four. That makes you nothing! So when I bark, I expect you to move. Because I’m in charge!” The unimpressed airman replied, “Big deal. A sergeant in charge of nothing.”

Source, Reader’s Digest, Marvin Ward

The story is told about a CEO of a fortune 500 company who pulled into a service station to get gas.  He went inside to pay, and when he came out he noticed his wife was talking with the service station attendant. She had dated the attendant before she met her husband.

The CEO got in the car, and the two drove in silence. He was feeling pretty good about himself when he finally spoke: “I bet I know what you were thinking. I bet you were thinking you’re glad you married me, a Fortune 500 CEO, and not him, a service station attendant.”

After two weeks of Pre-K, Linda Wilbanks’ 5-year-old grandson came home with a mighty big compliment. Nick told his grandmother that he was the smartest kid in the class. With a deep sense of pride, Linda asked him if that was what his teacher said. Nick replied, “No ma’am. I had to tell her.”

Source: Mature Living, April, 2007

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.

“I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

Source: Unknown

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the “accidents” that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran away as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again, and the bear was even closer.

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

Source: Unknown

Icelander, Eriker Olafsson accidentally collided with the yacht, Dragon Song, for the second time just one year and one day after his first collision with the same yacht. He was sailing down the Solent when he saw the Dragon Song and decided to pull alongside it so that he could apologize to its owner for his first collision. The problem was that he got too close to it.

In an old Peanuts cartoon, Lucy demanded that her brother Linus change TV channels and then threatened him with her fist if he didn’t.

“What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asked Linus.

“These five fingers,” said Lucy. “Individually they are nothing, but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.”

“What channel do you want?” sighed Linus.

Turning away, he looked at his fingers and said, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?”

Lenny realized how much things had changed since he was a kid when his teenage son asked him for help with some homework. He momentarily felt honored to be included and said he would be glad to help. His son then said, “Good, I need your credit card for the research-paper web site.”

Source: In Other Words

A college freshman was giving her friend a tour of the college she attended. She pointed out the various recreational sights in the area and the numerous places for eating out. When they returned to the dorm, the freshman reminded her visiting friend that they needed to be quiet because her roommates were studying. Before they entered the room she whispered to her friend, “All they do is study. Honestly, I don’t even know why they came to college.”

Source: Unknown

In our sleep-deprived culture it appears many people question the value of rest. Some even cut back on their sleep to carve out time for exercise. For what it’s worth, you burn around 70 calories per hour simply sleeping. That means a good 8 hour night of sleep approximates a 5 mile jog.—Saturday Evening Post, September/October 2000

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about an hour more!