Humor

In 2008, Japan enacted a national law requiring their citizens to have their waistline measured. Those Japanese whose waistline is greater than the government prescribed standard will undergo diet counseling.

We may not like the way Japan holds their citizens accountable for their weight, but they certainly understand the power of accountability.

Source: The New York Times, June 13, 2008

Mrs. Mohler was being cross-examined about the death of her third husband. The attorney asked, “What happened to your first husband?”

Mrs. Mohler replied, “He died of mushroom poisoning.” The attorney then inquired about her second husband. She said that he too died from mushroom poisoning. The attorney then asked, “And what about your third husband?”

Mrs. Mohler replied, “He died of a brain concussion.”

“And how did that happen?”

Mrs. Mohler confessed, “I hit him with an iron skillet because he wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, “When we were first married, we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”

At which point the wife took up the tale, “And in 60 years of marriage, we have never needed to make a major decision.”

Source: Unknown

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, the couple returned to their honey moon hotel. After retiring the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair?” and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they cuddled and so they did. With a sigh she said, “Won’t you nibble my ear again?”

With that the husband got out of bed and left the room.

“Where are you going?” cried the upset wife.

“To get my teeth!”

Source: Unknown

Ariana came with her missionary parents to visit family in the United States. During their stateside assignment away from Brazil, someone asked Ariana if she wanted to be a missionary when she grew up. The 5-year-old stated, “I’m a missionary now. I want to be something else when I grow up!”

Source: Mature Living

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one

Q: What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an alto sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the accordion and doesn’t.

The Weatherman’s Hymn—There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor’s Hymn—The Church’s One Foundation

The Tailor’s Hymn—Holy, Holy, Holy

The Politician’s Hymn—Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist’s Hymn—Open My Eyes That I May See

The IRS Agent’s Hymn—I Surrender All

The Electrician’s Hymn—I Saw the Light

The Shopper’s Hymn—Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor’s Hymn—I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapist’s Hymn—He Touched Me

The Doctor’s Hymn—The Great Physician

1. Did I turn the pot roast before I left?

2. Did I turn the iron off before I left?

3. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

4.  90 minutes until kickoff.

5. Where are my car keys?

6. What are the chances of that chandelier falling and hitting me on the head?

7. How many people here have lost more hair than I have?

8. I wonder if there are any doughnuts left in the church kitchen from fellowship.

9. How many verses are we going to sing?

Source: Unknown

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” said the farmer, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”

“Praise choruses,” said his wife, “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

Sometimes singing hymns can be convicting. Here are some you can sing without a tinge of guilt:

I Surrender Some

There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today

There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings

Onward, Christian Spectators

Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

Oh, How I Like Jesus

Just as I Pretend to Be

I Love to Talk about Telling the Story

Brethren, We Have Met to Have a Business Meeting

Sweet Minute of Prayer

Let Me Have My Own Way Lord

Standing on the Premises

After resigning his pastorate to go lead another church, a pastor was approached by an endearing older member of the congregation. She wept over the pastor’s decision to leave and said, “Things will never be the same.”

The minister tried to console her by saying, “Don’t worry, I’m confident you will get a new pastor who is better than me.”

She continued to sob and replied, “That’s what the last three pastors have said, but they just keep getting worse.”

Source: Unknown

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect pastor preaches exactly 15 minutes. He condemns sin but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 am to midnight and is also the janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly in the offering. He is 28 years old and has been preaching for 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.

In the days of the circuit riders a minister was out riding one afternoon and came upon a man working in his field.

“Fine day isn’t it?” the minister called out.

“It’s fine for you”, the man replied. “All you have to do is ride around on that horse thinking about the Bible all day long, while I have to sweat here in this field and then walk home afterward. I don’t think it’s right you should have things so easy while I have to work so hard.”

A fifth grade boy who had heard a sermon on persistence in prayer was praying by himself in his room one night. As his dad passed his door, he heard the boy praying over and over again, “Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo.” The next day, the dad asked his son what he was doing. The boy replied that he had given the wrong answer on a test for the capital of Mexico, and he was praying that Tokyo would become the capital of Mexico.

Source: Unknown

Bernard “Kip” Lagat is a world-class runner from Kenya. During the Sydney Olympics, an interviewer asked him how his country was able to produce so many great distance runners. With clever wit, Lagat told of the African strategy for motivating success in running. He said, “It’s the road signs. ’Beware of Lions.’”

The Christian should flee temptation because his adversary the devil is chasing him.

Source: Unknown

After a particularly long and bumpy flight the crew was tired. This was even made more apparent by the rough landing. This particular airline had a policy that the pilot must stand by the door as the people exited to thank them for flying with the airline. The pilot was dreading this because of the landing but he stood faithfully by. Surprisingly enough the people filed off and none said a word. Then came the last passenger, an elderly lady walking with a cane. As she got up to the captain she said, “Can I ask a question?”

A big-time sports fan was watching a football game with his grandchildren. He had just turned seventy-five and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to his grandson, Nick, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”

“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”

Source: Unknown

A man was walking through the zoo when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside and devour her right in front of her screaming parents. The man ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumped back and let go of the girl, while the man returned her to her terrified parents.

A reporter saw the whole scene and said to the rescuer: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”

While patrolling the streets of his small town, a new policeman gave a citation for every infraction he could find. When a car came rushing by, he immediately turned on his siren and lights and pulled over the driver. The young man jumped from his car and tried to explain his emergency but the officer perceived the verbal initiative as a threat so he cuffed the man and hauled him off to jail. Every time the guy tried to speak, Luke exercised his authority and insisted on silence.  After making the arrest and feeling confident he had demonstrated the complete

A man asked his friend, “What color are your pastor’s eyes?”

He answered, “I don’t know. When he prays he closes his eyes, and when he preaches I close mine.”

Source: Unknown