Humor

A devout Quaker was watching his new neighbor move in next door. After all kinds of modern appliances, electronic gadgets, plush furniture, and costly wall hangings had been carried in, the onlooker called out, “If you find you’re lacking anything, neighbor, let me know and I’ll show you how to live without it.”

Source: Unknown

After a tough and discouraging day at work, Melvin plopped himself on the couch and began wallowing in self-pity. He moaned to his wife, “Nobody cares about me. In fact, the whole world hates me.” Without even looking up from her work, Melvin’s wife replied, “That’s not true, honey. The whole world couldn’t possibly hate you because most of them don’t even know you.”

Source: Houston Chronicle, November 29, 2006

One morning Marion Gilbert opened her door and was surprised to see a small dog she had never seen before with her paper in its mouth. Delighted with his “delivery service,” she gave him some treats. The next morning she was horrified to see the same dog sitting in front of her door, wagging his tail, surrounded by eight newspapers. She spent the rest of that morning returning the papers to their owners.

Source: The Reader’s Digest, Volume 1444

A man dropped into a bank and found the customer service clerk chatting on the phone about new restaurants in town. After three minutes of exchanging dark glances with the man, she told her caller, “Hold on a minute. I’m being interrupted by a customer.”

Source: Nelson’s Big Book of Laughter, Lowell Streiker

Two men were marooned on an island. One man paced back and forth like he thought it was the last day of his life, while the other man relaxed and appeared unconcerned. The first man said to the second man, “Aren’t you afraid? We are about to die.”

“No,” said the second man, “I made a $100,000.00 commitment to our church building fund. My pastor will find me.”

Source: Unknown

Two friends met each other on the street one day. One looked forlorn, almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, “What has the world done to you, my old friend?” The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you: three weeks ago, my uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.”

“That’s a lot of money.”

“But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew died, and left me eighty-five thousand dollars, free and clear.”

“Sounds to me that you’ve been very blessed.”

Blake Seybolt delivered pizzas to help with his college expenses. Once a seven-year-old boy came to the door to pay for the pizzas carrying a check in one hand and two one-dollar bills in the other. The boy pocketed the bills and presented the check to Blake which was in the exact amount of the bill. Blake asked, “Could that have been the tip?”

The boy responded, “Yep, not bad for just a walk from the living room and back.”

Sometimes Christians act that way with the money that God wants them to give to others.

There was a man who had worked all his life and saved much money, but he was a real miser. Just before he died he asked his wife to put all his money in the casket with him when he was buried. Being the good wife that she was, she promised to do so.

After his funeral was over, just before the casket was sealed his wife put a white envelope into the casket and turned away.

A flight student was flying a small plane when he hit the runway and bounced several times before stopping. The instructor said, “That was a very bad landing you just made.” “Me?” replied the student. “I thought you were landing!”

God never makes a mistake with your life, but you must let Him take control.

Source: The Story File: 1001 Contemporary Illustrations, Steve May

A lady once said to her pastor, “I’m glad you said you don’t know who is going to help pay for the new Sunday school buildings; for a minute there, I thought you were going to ask us!”

Source: Unknown

A pastor one made the following announcement to his church: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it is still out there in your pockets.”

Source: Unknown

On the Sunday that a church was supposed to make their giving commitments, the organist fell sick so a substitute was brought in. The pastor gave her a schedule of the service and asked her to think of something to play during the commitment time. At the scheduled time in the service, the pastor said, “I want anyone who is committing $1,000 to the building fund to stand up.” The organist immediately began playing the “Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute organist became the regular organist.

Source: Unknown

One man in a church said to his friend, “I could give $1,000.00 towards the building and not even feel it.”

His friend replied, “Then give two or three thousand and feel it!”

Source: Unknown

A preacher asked farmer, “If you had 100 cows, would you give 50 of them to the Lord?”

“Yes.”

“If you had 1,000 chickens, would you give 500?”

“Yes.”

“If you had 2 hogs would you give one?”

“Not fair, Preacher, you know I have 2 hogs.”

Source: Unknown

A lady’s husband had heart surgery, and she received a letter saying her husband inherited one million dollars. She was worried about her husband’s health, so she called their pastor and asked him to tell the good news to her husband. The pastor said to the husband, “Joe, if you were to have one million dollars, what would you do?”

Joe responded, “Why Pastor, I’d give it to you!” The pastor died of a heart attack.

Source: Unknown

A little boy and his father were playing store. The father offered to pay a nickel for a set of binoculars, and the boy said, “Dad we’re playing store, we’re not playing church!”

Source: Unknown

A man once said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A wife was reading the mail to husband. She said, “This little note came with your credit card bill. It says leave home without it.”

Source: Unknown

There is a bumper sticker that says, “Tithe if you love Jesus. Any idiot can honk.” A lot of peole talk about how much they love the Lord, but they do not put their money where their mouth is.

A reporter once asked a bank president what his secret of success was. the president replied, “Two words.”

“And what are they?”

“Right decisions.”

“How are right decisions made?”

“One word.”

“What is that?”

“Experience.”

“How do you get experience?”

“Two words.”

“What are they?”

“Wrong decisions.”

Source: Reader’s Digest, December, 2003

During a parent-teacher meeting, Miss Nichols told the Nettles, “In my 30 years of teaching, your son is my favorite student to have absent.”

Source: In Other Words