The story is told of a woman who was bitten by a mad dog. It looked as if
she was going to die of rabies, so the doctor told her she should make her
will. Taking her pen and paper she began to write; in fact she wrote and wrote. Finally the doctor said, “That is surely a long will you’re making.”
She snorted, “Will nothing! I’m making a list of all the people I’m going to
bite!”
While checking his bags at the airport, a man became indignant with the employee who handled luggage. For several minutes he belittled the young man and criticized his every move. Surprisingly, the curbside porter didn’t seem troubled by this man’s verbal abuse. After the angry man entered the airport, a woman approached the luggage handler and asked, “How do you put up with such injustice?”
The young man said, “It’s easy. That guy’s going to New York, but I’m sending his bags to Brazil.”
President Wilson once received a call in the middle of the night from a
civil servant who informed him that one of his appointees had just died.
The caller said, “While I’m sure we are all saddened by this news, I would
like to know if I can take his place.” There was a pause at the other end of
the line before the president replied, “It’s all right with me, if it’s all
right with the undertaker.”
A woman was trying to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her
struggle, the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it. “It’s
the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy
can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
An elderly couple was beginning to forget little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see
their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people
their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
My twelve-year-old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project.”
I
gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was. A few days
later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed
my face pinned to a mural the students had created. The title of their
project was “The oldest thing in my house.”
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and
crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to
lift his arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie—his favorite kind—his
wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
In reference to old age, Bob Hope would say, “My ankles creak, my knees
crack, my ears ring, and my stomach gurgles. I’m not getting older, I’m getting
noisier.”
One woman who was struggling with the reality of
her age, asked a friend, “I don’t think I look 40-years-old, do you?” Her
friend answered, “No, but you used to!”
A 4-year-old was fascinated by the various appliances that some of the
elderly used—canes, walkers, wheelchairs. One day her mother found her staring
at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. The mother braced herself for the
inevitable question that was to come. Instead, her daughter turned and
whispered: “The tooth fairy is never going to believe this!”
A family went out for lunch and
wanted dessert. The waiter brought pie and ice cream to a little boy who said,
“Thank you!” She said, “Oh, I love to hear thank you!”
The boy replied, “Give me another scoop of ice cream
and you’ll hear it again!”
One dear lady was not a cook, but
the family decided that after many years, they should eat at home for
Thanksgiving. She said, “I’ve cooked this turkey for the first time and I’m gonna
bring it to the table. If it’s not good, don’t say a word. If it’s not good,
there will be no negative comments, we’ll just go to a restaurant and have a
meal.” So, she went to the kitchen to get the turkey, only to come into the
dining room to see her husband and son at the table with hat and coat on.
Sonya Thomas beat men four times her size in an eating contest. Ms.
Thomas, who weighed 106 pounds, defeated 400-pound runners-up Ed “Cookie”
Jarvis and Eric “Badlands” Booker in New York’s Thanksgiving Invitational by
downing 7 3/4 pounds of holiday food in 12 minutes. After the event Ms.
Thomas said, “I’m full, but I could eat more.”
The story is told of a man who smoked cigarettes. Through the reading
of numerous articles he became alarmed about the strong relationship between
smoking and lung cancer. He finally confided in a friend: “I’ve been
reading so many articles about smoking and lung cancer that I’ve decided to
quit reading.”
One of England’s most exclusive grocery stores, Fortnum & Mason in
London’s Piccadilly, advertised for a new chocolate taster, including a salary
of $54,000 a year. This dream job consisted of traveling the world,
sampling as much chocolate as possible, and selecting the very best for the
store’s discerning customers.
