A choir was practicing for a concert when the director, “Eight years ago I was directing another choir in this anthem, and they made the same mistakes you’re making.” A choir member called out, “Same director!”
Humor
A little girl said to her teacher, ”Miss Hayes, I don’t want to scare you, but my dad said, If my grades don’t improve, someone’s going to get a spanking!”
Source: Unknown
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. She said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow said, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
Source: Unknown
A teacher was trying to get each of her fifth grade students to buy a copy of the class picture. She said, “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, She’s dead.”
Source: Unknown
One day a little girl noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”
Source: Unknown
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”
Source: Unknown
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
Teacher: It is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal its throat is very small.
Little girl: Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The irritated teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
Little girl: When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah.
Teacher: What if Jonah went to hell?
Little girl: Then you ask him.
Source: Unknown
The story is told of four high school boys who couldn’t resist the temptation to skip morning classes. Each had been smitten with a bad case of spring fever. After lunch they showed up at school and reported to the teacher that their car had a flat tire. Much to their relief, she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a quiz this morning, so take your seats and get out a pencil and paper.” Still smiling, she waited as they settled down and got ready for her questions.
Then she said, “First question—which tire was flat?”
Source: Unknown
An anesthesiologist often plays an important role when a woman is going through labor. One woman was so grateful for her anesthesiologist’s help that she told him, “I’m so happy about how well everything went that I’m going to name my son after you. By the way, what is your first name?”
“Thorndike,” he said.
She paused for a minute, then said, “Do you have a middle name?”
Source: Unknown
A Peanuts cartoon showed Charlie Brown bringing Snoopy his dinner on Thanksgiving Day. But it was just his usual dog food. Snoopy looked at his bowl and said, “This isn’t fair. The rest of the world today is eating turkey with all the trimmings, and all I get is dog food. Because I’m a dog, all I get is dog food.” He stared at his food for a while, and said, “I guess it could be worse. I could be a turkey.”
The Butterball Turkey Company set up a telephone hotline to answer consumer questions about preparing turkeys. One woman called to inquire about cooking a turkey that had been in the bottom of her freezer for 23 years. The Butterball representative told her the turkey would probably be safe to eat if the freezer had been kept below zero for the entire 23 years. But the Butterball representative warned her that even if the turkey was safe to eat, the flavor would probably have deteriorated to such a degree that she would not recommend eating it.
In Family Circus, Billy is talking to his Grandmother. She encourages him to be grateful and says, “Always count your blessings.” Billy replies, “But I’m not very good at arithmetic.” Thanksgiving is the time to improve in gratefulness.
Source: In Other Words
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they're dead.”
Source: Unknown
Dwayne frantically turned to his wife and muffled the phone’s mouthpiece. With an ashen face he quietly repeated the last comment from the telephone conversation he was having with his parents. He whispered to Ashley, “Dad said we can go to their house for Thanksgiving or they can cut us out of their will. He says it’s our choice.”
Source: In Other Words
Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College
1. Phone conversations last thirty seconds.
2. Old friends don’t care if you have lost or gained weight.
3. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
4. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
5. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
6. You know that great chocolate comes from a vending machine.
7. If another guy shows up at a party with the exact same outfit you are wearing, he just might become your new best friend.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean
up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
On a windswept hill in an English country churchyard stands a drab, gray slate tombstone. The quaint stone bears an epitaph not easily seen unless you stoop over and look closely. The faint etchings read:
Beneath
this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Arabella Young,
Who on the
twenty-fourth of May,
Began to hold her tongue.
Source: Unknown
Question: Can I be a Christian without joining the church?
Answer: Yes, it is possible. It is something like being:
A student who will not go to school
A soldier who will not join an army
A citizen who does not pay taxes or vote
A salesman with no customers
An explorer with no base camp
A seaman on a ship without a crew
A businessman on a deserted island
An author without readers
A tuba player without an orchestra
A parent without a family