Humor

Some people refer to Paul Railton of Consett, England, as the laziest man in the world. That would be difficult to prove, but his legal troubles certainly provide evidence that he is in the running for the title. In December of 2009, Railton was reported to the authorities by a cyclist who saw him “walking” his dog by driving his car slowly and holding the leash out the car window!

An elderly lady was amazed at how nice the young man was next door. Everyday he would help her gather things from her car or help her in her yard. One day the old lady finally asked the young man, “Son, how did you become such a fine young man?"

The young man replied, “Well, when I was a boy, I had a drug problem.”

The old lady was shocked, “I can’t believe that.”

The young man replied, “It’s true, my parents drug me to church on Sunday morning, drug me to church on Sunday night, and drug me to church on Wednesday night.”

Source: Unknown

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs. He was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat, strong arms, and strong legs. He was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

A husband read an article to his wife about how women use 30,000 words a day to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “That’s because we have to repeat everything to men.” The husband turned to his wife and said, “What?”

Source Unknown

“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”

“Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery.”

“Let me smell that shirt—Yeah, it’s good for another week.”

“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”

“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”

“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”

“I don’t have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve.”

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. “Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” he asked. “Are you giving up?”

Source: Unknown

The pastor and his wife knew they had made a mistake by agreeing to counsel with Mrs. Smith when she opened their first session by saying, “I want to thank you for seeing me, especially since my husband said he’d kill anybody that I talked to about our problems.”

Source: Unknown

Intending to raise cattle, a family from New York bought a ranch out West. When their friends visited and inquired about the ranch’s name, the would be rancher replied: “I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one of our sons wanted the Flying-W, and the other liked the Lazy-Y. So we’re calling it the BAr-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”

“But where are all your cattle?” the friends asked.

“None survived the branding.”

Source: Unknown

Gertrude was about to make her first parachute jump. The instructor said, “First, you pull the big cord. If it doesn’t work, you pull the little cord. There will be a red pickup truck waiting for you when you land.”

Gertrude jumped. When she pulled the big cord, nothing happened, so she pulled the little cord. Still nothing happened. “That’s great,” she muttered. “Now I suppose the red pickup truck won’t be there either.”

Source: Unknown

Did you hear about the lady who said, “I finally got a hold of my inner self and she’s just a confused as I am!”

Source: Unknown

A blonde called out and asked her husband to help her with a very difficult jigsaw puzzle that she could not figure out how to get started. Her husband asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

She replied, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Four priests met for a friendly gathering. During the conversation one priest said, “Our people come to us and pour out their hearts confessing certain sins and needs. Let’s do the same. Confession is good for the soul.”

In the washroom of a place of business in London, British newspaper publisher William Beaverbrook happened to meet Edward Heath, a young member of Parliament, about whom Beverbrook had printed an insulting article a few days earlier. “My dear chap,” said the publisher, embarrassed by the meeting, “I’ve been thinking it over, and I was wrong. Here and now, I wish to apologize.”

“Very well,” grunted Heath, “but the next time, I wish you’d insult me in the washroom and apologize in your newspaper.”

Source: The Little Brown Book of Anecdotes, Clifton Fadiman

A missionary couple once brought some African pastors to the Unites States for a big meeting. During their free time, these pastors wanted to go shopping. Even though they were in a small town, the missionary knew there was a chance one of them might have some difficulty finding their way around or get lost. So the missionary gave each pastor his phone number in case of an emergency. In less than an hour the missionary’s phone rang and one of the pastors said, “I am lost.”

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me...” The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

One New Year’s Day, in the Tournament of Roses parade, a beautiful float suddenly sputtered and quit. It was out of gas. The whole parade was held up until someone could get a can of gas. The amusing thing was this float represented the Standard Oil Company. With its vast oil resources, its truck was out of gas.

Even though Christians have access to God’s omnipotence, if we do not avail ourselves to it we will run out of power.

Source: The Minister's Manual, Lee McGlone

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

One week a Sunday school teacher had just finished telling her class the Christmas story.  After telling the story the teacher asked, "Who do you think the most important woman in the Bible is?”

A little boy raised his hand and said, “Eve.” The teacher asked him why he thought Eve was the most important woman in the Bible. The little boy replied, “Well, they name two days of the year after Eve. You know, Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve.”

Source: Unknown

8. Well, well, well, now, there’s a gift!

7. No, really, I didn’t know that there was a Chia pet tie! Oh, wow! It’s a clip-on too!

6. You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory—what’s it called again?

5. You know what?—I’m going to find a special place to put this!

4. Boy, you don’t see craftsmanship like that every day!

3. And it’s such an interesting color too!

2. You say that was the last one? Am I glad that you snapped that baby up!

It’s only natural that stressed-out people eat more desserts, because “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts.” If that’s true, there’s a lot of stress between Thanksgiving and New Year.

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

Grace Davidson took her four-year-old granddaughter to “big church” for the first time. She sat quietly taking in every aspect of the service and her attentive curiosity stayed in check until the pastoral prayer. The pastor said, “We thank You, Lord, for Your presence.” The little girl’s eyes flew open and she whispered to her grandmother, “Granny, we’re gonna get presents!”

Source: The Best of Grandparents’ Brag Board, Pregal and Riley