The story is told of a young father-to-be who was pacing back and forth, nervously wringing his hands in the hospital waiting room while his wife was in labor. Finally, a nurse opened the door and said, “Well, sir, you have a little girl.”
He heaved a sigh of relief and said, “I’m glad it’s a girl. She’ll never have to go through the agony I’ve gone through tonight!”
After bringing their first baby home from the hospital, the wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy,” he said. “I’ll do the next one.”
The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was ready to learn how to change diapers. He gave her a puzzled look, then said finally, “I didn’t mean the next diaper; I meant the next baby!”
Mrs. Jones relaxed by reading her Bible each day. After observing this habit for several years, her 4-year-old daughter asked, “Aren’t you ever going to get finished reading that book?”
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. “She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.” He continued, “She communicates well, and I act like I’m listening.”
Christine Chapman was supposed to bring her mother-in-law to the doctor, but she could not get her to stop talking to the neighbor. Finally, Christine escorted her away from the conversation so they wouldn’t be late. Once inside the car, her mother-in-law said, “Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do. The woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”
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Two sisters were playing together when eight-year-old Martha insisted that they play school. Five-year-old Jenny wasn’t the least bit interested in thinking about school, but the older sister wouldn’t take “No” for an answer. Finally, little Jenny conceded and said, “OK, I’ll play.” She then added, “Mark me absent!”
Unfortunately, that is the attitude many Christians have towards church attendance.
A woman who traveled abroad without her husband got to Paris and found a fabulous bracelet she’d been looking for. So she sent a wire back home saying, “I have found this beautiful bracelet, one I’ve been looking for all my life. It only costs $7,500. Do you think I can buy it?”
Her husband wired back a short but firm reply, “No, price too high!” And he signed his name. But in the transmission, the comma was left out and the message read, “No price too high.” Oh, she was thrilled! Omitting that comma almost put that guy in a coma.
Tact is one of the lost arts of the twentieth century. I heard about a man who lacked tact. He was the type of person who just couldn’t say anything graciously. He and his wife owned a poodle. They loved this dog. It was the object of their affection. The wife was to take a trip abroad, and she made it to New York on the first day. She called home and asked her husband, “How are things?”
He said, “The dog’s dead!”
She was devastated. After collecting her thoughts, she asked, “Why do you do that? Why can’t you be more tactful?”
Some folks are like Easter eggs—ornamented on the outside and hard-boiled on the inside!
Dr. Al Fasol, a retired preaching professor, wrote about the true story of a man who experienced a rude awakening in church. He generally slept in church, so he dropped off like he always did, only this time a power outage left the auditorium in total darkness. The pastor did not use notes to preach and kept right on preaching.
Little Johnny was feeling queasy in church, so he whispered to his mom, “I think I’m going to throw up!” She told him, to go outside and throw up behind the bushes where no one would see him. So he bolted for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat, looking greatly relieved. “Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?”
“I didn’t have to. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: For the Sick.”
“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Preacher,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the pastor replied.
“It wasn’t out of any disrespect to you,” insisted the woman, “Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”
An elderly woman walked into a church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “the pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No.” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
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One Sunday morning, two men are out in a boat, fishing. After several hours on the lake without catching a single fish, one of the men says to his friend, “You know, we probably should have stayed home and gone to church this morning.”
The other man says, “Well, I could have stayed home, but I couldn’t have gone to church.”
“Why’s that?” asks his friend.
“My wife is sick,” the fisherman answers.
A man was marooned on a desolate island. After he had been there for five years he was found and rescued. As he climbed into the rescue boat the curious rescuers noticed three grass huts. “We thought you were alone, why are there three huts,” they asked.
The man replied, “The first hut is my home; the second is my church.”
“What about the third hut?”
“Oh, that’s the church I used to belong to!”