Humor

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign that read:

“Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

Source: Unknown

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, “Arthur proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell.”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.”

Source: Unknown

The sign in the store window read: NO HELP WANTED. As two men passed by, one said to the other, “You should apply—you'd be great.” Or maybe you heard about the guy who said, “I never like to drink coffee on the job because then I toss and turn at my desk all day.”

Source: Los Angeles Times

A young man who had been hired by the personnel department of a large supermarket chain reported to work at one of the stores. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, handed him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But,” the young man said, “I’m a college graduate.”

“I’m sorry,” the manager said, “I didn’t know that. Here, give me the broom and I’ll show you how.”

Source: Unknown

Adam’s wife was quite a talker and seldom stayed on the phone for less than an hour. One day he was surprised when he heard her hang up after just twenty-five minutes so he went into see if there was problem. When he expressed concern, Irene cheerfully explained, “Oh, no, everything is fine. I just dialed the wrong number.”

Source: Houston Chronicle

A classified in a newspaper read: “Encyclopedia for Sale—No longer needed—Wife already knows everything.”

Source: Unknown

A sign in a bank lobby reads: “Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, male and female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

A truck driver stopped at a truck stop and ordered a cheeseburger. As he was ready to eat, a motorcycle gang pulled up. One of the gang members insulted him and ate his cheeseburger. The truck driver walked out out of the truck stop.  A gang member said to the waitress, “He's not much of a man, is he?” She said, “He's not much of a driver either. He just backed his 18 wheeler over 6 motorcycles.”

Source: Unknown

A man went to see his doctor for advice about being cured of snoring. The doctor asked, "Does your snoring disturb your wife?"

The patient replied, “Does it disturb my wife? Why it disturbs the entire congregation.”

Source: Unknown

A pastor once said to a man in town, “When you were born, your mother brought you to church. When you were married, your wife brought you to church. When you die, your friends will bring you to church. Why not try coming to church on your own sometime?”

Source: Unknown

Coffee was always served at our church after the sermon. One Sunday the pastor asked a child if he knew why we had coffee hour. Without hesitating, the youngster replied, “To wake people up before they have to drive home.”

Source: Unknown

“Complaining is like bad breath, you notice it when it comes out of somebody else's mouth, but not your own.”—Will Bowen

Source: The Baptist Standard

Some Christians are like:

1. Wheelbarrows–must be pushed
2. Canoes–need paddling
3. Kites–must be kept on a string
4. Footballs–can’t tell where they will bounce next
5. Balloons–full of wind ready to blow up
6. Trailers–must be pulled
7. Lights–go on and off
8. Kittens–content when petted

But some are like the North Star—there when you need them, dependable, and loyal.

Source: Unknown

A door-to-door salesman from a publishing house asked a lady if she owned a copy of the Bible. "I certainly do!" she replied with some pride. To his next question, did she read it regularly, she responded, "Oh, yes!" and sent her little daughter to get the Bible from the table drawer. As she showed it to the salesman, her spectacles fell from between the pages. Without thinking, she exclaimed, "Oh, here are my glasses! I've been looking for these for 3 years!"

Source: Unknown

The two most intellectually astute years for children are age four and age seventeen. At four they know all of the questions, and at seventeen they know all of the answers.

Source: Pulpit Helps, June, 2008

Even with escalating gas prices, Ward still took his family for a long trek out to California and up the Pacific coast. When he returned, friends were eager to hear how it turned out. Ward couldn't have been more pleased. He said they made it all the way to Los Angeles before a tow truck picked them up. His buddies sighed as if they were feeling his pain. Ward quickly replied, “Oh, there wasn't anything wrong with the car. It was just cheaper to get towed than pay for gas.”

Source: Adapted from Reader's Digest, November, 2005

Driving through Texas, a New Yorker collided with a truck carrying a horse. A few months later he tried to collect damages for his injuries. “How can you now claim to have all these injuries?” asked the insurance company's lawyer. “According the police report, at the time you said you were not hurt.”

“It's like this,” said the New Yorker. “I was lying in the road in a lot of pain, and I heard someone say the horse had a broken leg. The next thing I knew, the sheriff pulled out his gun and shot the horse. Then he turned to me and said, 'Are you okay?'”

During musical tryouts, a young man with a horrible voice auditioned for the lead part. He simply didn't have the ability to sing and that became more obvious with each passing measure. His entire rendition was off pitch and painful to hear. The panel of judges sat in stunned silence, but when he finished, one judge jumped to his feet and gave the young man a rousing ovation.

Cots can be made available for those who say Sunday is their only day to sleep.

Eye drops can be supplied for those who have red eyes from watching late Saturday night TV shows.

Steel helmets can be provided for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever went to church, blankets for people who think the church is too cold, fans for those who say it is too hot, scorecards for those wishing to list all the hypocrites present, TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and also cook dinner.

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church, and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day,the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.